Saturday, June 28, 2008

Emotional Rollercoaster...

Oh, geez. Let me tell ya. I have been up-&-down, up-&-down all night long with my emotions. I don't know if it's because it's my time of the month, because my hormones are still adjusting from getting off of the pill, or because I just don't know which way to go with life in this moment.

I just go through times where every word regarding this separation makes tears come down my face. He can say he loves me more than anything in the world, and a tear will roll down my face. He can say we are strong enough to do this and do it with optimistic eyes, and a tear will still roll down my face. No matter what he says to me sometimes, I just can't keep those tears away.

I guess it's a mixture of just missing him & not knowing what God wants me to do with this time in my life. Having to go through my days doing 'happy' things without his hand to hold as I do them makes my heart hurt. I sit here knowing his situation is WAY worse than mine, and I'm still being selfish enough to cry over my situation, too. I want to contribute to us again by getting a job, but what job do I want? What would distract me enough and help set the time to a quicker pace so we can get this stupid thing over with?

Sometimes, I feel like all of these deployments make us 'wish' our lives away. In four month chunks, we want time to fly by, life to be put on hold, God to make us stronger, for us to accomplish more of our life goals, while the whole time, our lives are rushing by us. One day we will look back on the past year and realize we spent 8 months of 12 apart, going through heartache and living our lives under somebody else's watch. I just want God to show me what I'M supposed to do right now. Point me in a direction and I will go. me.


cassandra sagan webb said...

Oh, Kelly. I know this is a hard time for you. But rest assured, the best is yet to be.

I really think you should get a job while he's gone. Don't expect a fulfilling career, just something to keep you busy while he's away. And sweet girl, no matter what you do, there's no way of avoiding it: Your life IS on hold. And that won't change until he's back.

Get a job, take a class even (a fun one, not a college class). Pick up a lost hobby. Go out with your friends. Come to Arkansas! ;)

Nothing is going to change the fact that he's gone. It's just up to you to deal with it the best way you know. I know you're a tough cookie, but it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Cry! It's ok! :)

I've found that the times I miss Aaron the most is when I'm idle. I go crazy. My best advice would be to get a job that keeps you busy, keeps your hands busy, and your mind off of least for a few hours each day. I think time will pass by much more quickly if you do.

I love you!!!

Anonymous said...

It makes my heart hurt for you! I know it won't change anything, but I will be there in 3 days! I will help you in any way that I can; we'll find you a job, workout, and go on some trips. Cassandra is's SO ok to cry and don't cry to yourself all the time, sometimes it helps to let someone cry with you. You have so many people who love you and so many people that are there for you. MUAH MUAH MUAH!! I love you bunches!