Oh, geez. Let me tell ya. I have been up-&-down, up-&-down all night long with my emotions. I don't know if it's because it's my time of the month, because my hormones are still adjusting from getting off of the pill, or because I just don't know which way to go with life in this moment.
I just go through times where every word regarding this separation makes tears come down my face. He can say he loves me more than anything in the world, and a tear will roll down my face. He can say we are strong enough to do this and do it with optimistic eyes, and a tear will still roll down my face. No matter what he says to me sometimes, I just can't keep those tears away.
I guess it's a mixture of just missing him & not knowing what God wants me to do with this time in my life. Having to go through my days doing 'happy' things without his hand to hold as I do them makes my heart hurt. I sit here knowing his situation is WAY worse than mine, and I'm still being selfish enough to cry over my situation, too. I want to contribute to us again by getting a job, but what job do I want? What would distract me enough and help set the time to a quicker pace so we can get this stupid thing over with?
Sometimes, I feel like all of these deployments make us 'wish' our lives away. In four month chunks, we want time to fly by, life to be put on hold, God to make us stronger, for us to accomplish more of our life goals, while the whole time, our lives are rushing by us. One day we will look back on the past year and realize we spent 8 months of 12 apart, going through heartache and living our lives under somebody else's watch. I just want God to show me what I'M supposed to do right now. Point me in a direction and I will go. Please...show me.