Sunday, January 13, 2008

What doesn't kill you...

Allow me to jump into my soap box real quick...

(Imagine jumping...)

So I was talking to Chad tonight and we went over some of the usual trials and tribulations that we go through on a daily basis as a result of his, I mean OUR service in the military. And, without concentrating too much on the negativity of it all, we came to the conclusion that it is a great thing we are doing, and that we are a very strong couple compared to a lot of people. Not everyone can handle this lifestyle...and to be honest, there's times that I show extreme weakness, but in the end it is all about service, duty, and the honor one receives from performing a job of worth. He did go on to mention that every day that goes by "only makes us stronger".

(Soap box about to blow...)

I am SOOOO tired of hearing that this process of missing my husband on a daily basis, having to take a trip back in time to return to my life before marriage, and waiting and waiting for his return makes me a "stronger person". Before all of this, I considered myself a very strong person. One who could turn most bad things into good things, one who could take care of myself, and was independent in the way that I thought and made choices in life. Not much of that has changed, but I do feel as though these deployment experiences do the exact opposite of make me stronger (to a degree). Instead, I have time to focus on the different facets of my life and realize in which ones I am weaker than I have ever been. I'm not saying that I disagree with the statement, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I'm just saying that I'm sick of being told that I'm becoming stronger when the only thing I really feel is more weakness than ever.

Maybe the first deployment last year was one that made our relationship stronger, because we proved to ourselves that we could both handle the separation and the struggles that came with it. But being married puts a whole new lid on my jar of emotions and sometimes there is just a little too much pressure for the jar to stay closed. All I have to say is I can cry if I want to & I'm not going to feel bad for it! :-)

(Only 4 1/2 more weeks...big sigh...)

*Disclaimer: Not at any point within our conversation was my wonderful husband at fault for any of the expressions made above. I love him for everything he is and for the amazing husband he is to me, especially through these rough times. I just had to vent. Thanks for listening.*


Chelsey's Chatter said...

I commend you for getting on your soapbox girl! I of course have no idea what it's like to even be married, so I for sure have no idea what it's like to be married and have your husband be deployed~but I would definitely tell whoever (excluding Chad)is saying that "you'll be stronger because of it" to go and shove it! They (excluding Cass :0) have no idea how you feel! It's ok for you to feel this way! Love you girl and praying that the days speed by ;0)

cassandrasaganwebb. said...

*sigh. I know how you feel. I can sense that this was a bad day for you. Not sure what to tell you because I feel the same way. Let's just pray the days go by quickly (I do a lot of sleep to make sure they do). I'm with ya, girl. I love you!

oh, and I also hate it when people say, "Well, 4 months isn't really that long." or "army people are gone for 16 months!"

Uhmm....I know this, people! But it doesn't change anything!!!